Tweeners etc.

Part of the solution for Churches to engage Tweeners and young adults is to understand their family situations and how it affects our teaching and outreach paradigms. Over one million kids experience their parents' divorce each year. In addition, the fatherless statistics in the U.S. are staggering. Because of how many grow up without a dad---pastors and youth workers need to understand that this emerging generation is not only unfamiliar with traditional Bible stories, but also that, when hearing Jesus' parables and other teaching, younger people will often interpret them differently than older adults. Author Elizabeth Marquardt found that young adults with divorced parents, when hearing the Parable of The Prodigal Son, for example, identified much more closely with the Father character than with the Son who left. For these teens and twenty-somethings, the anxiousness and stress from waiting for someone to come back home resonated much more deeply. Teachers at all levels within the Church need to exhibit a constant and sensitive awareness towards their audience along these lines.

Besides embracing a new sensitivity and awareness when teaching from the Bible, the next step for engaging this emerging generation is to conduct outreach opportunities that create safe places for young people to process their feelings and explore their faith--without fear of judgment. We must listen, notice, and inquire while resisting the urge to condemn. Their questions must be safe with us. It is ours to be brave enough to ask tough, open-ended questions. We can validate their reality without necessarily approving of it. This a key component of compassion. People feel welcome when they feel heard and valued. By deliberately offering these opportunities, Churches will reclaim their role as places of refuge where everyone, in authentic community, can confess and confront in a truly healthy environment.

At the same time, those of us within the Church need to confess and confront our outdated paradigms because so many young adults and teens are missing out on the connections that we use to take for granted. It is our responsibility and privilege to offer hope in new ways not only from the pages of the Bible but also in the way we conduct our meetings and ministries. We have to realize that this generation resonates with Bible stories and characters differently than previously assumed, and we have to alter our presentation accordingly. We must go out of our way to offer emotional 'safe zones' for people to connect with one another--and, in part, re-create the family that is painfully missing. These are our brothers and sisters in Christ, and, for the older adults among us: these are your Spiritual children, too. We cannot abandon them nor abdicate our responsibility in caring for them. They have already faced too much of that at home and in school. Our churches must become places of real connection. Our teaching must connect with its young audience through an ever-evolving awareness and sensitivity to the issues our young people are facing. We cannot afford to take comprehension or connection for granted anymore.

Asking Better Questions

Ministering to teenaged children of divorce, Part I

By Benjamin Wilcox

"Whatever.”

“Nothing.”

“Fine.”

These are the dreaded one-word responses I had been getting from the students in Oasis:
our church’s divorce recovery group for teenagers. It is my own fault really. Ask
anything that can be answered with one word, and the average teen will give you one
word in response.
I have heard similar frustration echoed from so many volunteer leaders wondering how to
engage Middle School and High School kids in meaningful conversation. Part of the
answer is in the question itself. Ask something that cannot be answered in just one word.
Questions like,
“If you could be any superhero, who would you be and why?”
“What was the best part of your week, and what was the worst part of your week?”
“If you could be anywhere in the world right now, where would you be and who would you want there
with you?”

Secondly, when talking with teens, suspend your judgments as long as possible. Nothing
will ruin your chances of connecting with a young adult faster than rushing to a
conclusion about what they are saying and then offering advice right away. Keep quiet.
Actively listen. Ask for clarification, and then maybe ask a follow-up question. When you
start to think you know what they are getting at, ask another question!

Third, here is a sample of the common questions we tend to ask when thinking about
ministering to teens followed by a list of alternative things to consider.

“How do we keep these kids entertained?” vs. “What am I willing to do to ensure that the teens who come feel truly understood and valued as individuals?”
“How do we make sure we make it through all the curriculum each night?” vs. “Does the curriculum we use encourage the
kind of risky, open-ended questions that lead to honest revelation, or is there only one right answer to what we ask (just like a
classroom)?”
“How do we make sure our teens keep coming back and invite their friends, too?” vs. “Is the environment in which we hold our
meetings inviting, welcoming, and emotionally & physically safe?"
“How do I make these teenagers like me?” vs. “Will I trust the Holy Spirit enough to be myself and let these student know that I
take them seriously, withhold my judgments, and appreciate their reality?”

When you begin to focus on asking better questions, first of yourself, then of your
ministry approach, and finally, of your students—all the natural worries in the left-hand
column take care of themselves. Why? Because you have put you energy into creating a
safe place for hurting teenagers to let their guard down. You will become, quite possibly,
the only adult in their life who is willing to sit down with them, actively listen to them,
and “be” with them for as long as it takes for them to know that you care enough to ask
better questions—questions that convey your compassion not your condemnation & your
openness not your opinion. Another question is always better than another piece of
advice.
The only one-word answer you want from a teenager is when you ask them what part of
the week they most look forward to. I hope they say it’s the couple of hours when you
invite students recovering from divorce into a safe place they can call their own. If not,
maybe it is time to ask better questions.


© 2007 by the Author
Email him at Ben@MinistryMakeovers.com

Do You Have a Big Enough Y ?

Ministering to teenaged children of divorce, Part II

By Benjamin Wilcox

“Adolescents are not monsters. They are just people trying to learn how to make it among the adults in the world, who are probably not so sure themselves.”
~ Virginia Satir, The New Peoplemaking, 1988

I was not so sure when I began volunteering with teenaged children of divorce a few years ago. My parents’ divorce had certainly affected me severely, but because I was already in high school by the time dad moved out, I did not have to suffer nearly as much as my younger sisters. The disadvantage of leaving home immediately after high school was that, by running from everything, I dealt with nothing. I hid. Finally, by age 29, I had made some progress in allowing myself to grieve, to be angry, and to look for ways to move on. One of the ways I decided to heal was by helping other children experiencing their parents’ marital breakdown. I wound up as a volunteer in the teenager’s workshop on Monday nights—listening to stories, scrambling for a clue as to what to do, and trying not to look too foolish as I made myself available to the Holy Spirit. To borrow from the quotation above, I was an adult trying to learn how to make it among the adolescents surrounding me.
As I read books, articles, and anything else on the subject of children of divorce, God began to develop my Y. I began to discover that the driving force behind a life mission is not so much “how” to go about it—but “why?” In other words, by allowing my heart to be broken over divorce’s effects on kids (i.e. the death of families), I became willing to do whatever it takes to minister to them. A word of caution: When you begin to educate yourself on an issue of injustice that tugs at your heart, and you begin to question, “Why? Why is this happening, and why isn’t something being done by more people, or by the/my Church?”—Watch out! You just may become God’s “How!” A wise friend of mine once said, “People are God’s methods.” In other words, Christ in us means hope for others (Colossians 1:27; II Corinthians 1:3-4).
I love that more and more youth, children’s, and other pastors are becoming open to the idea of offering children’s divorce recovery programs in their churches and communities. I love to provide assistance to church leaders seeking the “How” of divorce-specific ministries to teens. It can be very tempting to see a ministry opportunity, buy a curriculum, and to anxiously proceed with a new, exciting, and much-needed program to help hurting kids. That is all wonderful. But, it’s not enough. Remember, if “people are God’s methods,” we must place volunteer leaders who have an enormous Y directly in the center of things. Age, ethnicity, gender, or experience level matter little to teens. They need caring adults who carry giant-sized Y’s. As Greg Stier writes, “Somebody once told me that the only three questions that teens want to know from an adult, the three things that qualify them to work with teenagers, are, ‘Do you love Jesus? Do you love me? Are you for real?’”
When his disciples were freaking out that a storm was threatening their boat, Jesus awoke from his nap and calmed the heavy seas and winds (Mark 8: 23-27). Jesus never bothered to explain how he was able to quiet the raging water and howling wind. He did not need to. Jesus had a giant Y. He was, and is, the Son of God.
We need not fear that we lack the qualifications to lead teens in divorce recovery group ministries. (We, after all, have Jesus in our boat.) However, we had better be certain of our Y because when the difficulties of ministering to teens hit us like waves, we will not have time to focus on how to get through to them. Our Y must be bigger than anything that might try to discourage us from persevering. Just like the disciples had to remember that God’s only Son was with them, so too must we rely on Christ’s power, grace, and peace in order to impart hope and healing to teenagers caught in the middle of the storminess of their parents’ divorce.
How do you develop a big enough Y? Here are a few things to consider:
• Ask God to soften your heart regarding the issues that affect teenaged children of divorce.
• Consume as much research and reading on the subject as possible.
• Talk to teens that you know from divorce situations. Ask them questions. Listen, listen, and listen.
• Read Scriptures that deal with the topic of abandonment, widows, and orphans.
• Look for ways to volunteer in your community or church that provide groups for children of divorce. Go in with an open mind and open ears.
• If you are really daring, ask God to break your heart for these teens. He will.
If you cannot find a teen divorce group in your area, I pray that you will ask “Why not?” Perhaps you will begin a recovery ministry for teens through your church, and maybe you become how countless teenagers find hope in the midst of their stormy life. I pray God gives you a big enough Y.

© 2007 by the Author.
E-mail him at Ben@MinistryMakeovers.com