Do You Have a Big Enough Y ?

Ministering to teenaged children of divorce, Part II

By Benjamin Wilcox

“Adolescents are not monsters. They are just people trying to learn how to make it among the adults in the world, who are probably not so sure themselves.”
~ Virginia Satir, The New Peoplemaking, 1988

I was not so sure when I began volunteering with teenaged children of divorce a few years ago. My parents’ divorce had certainly affected me severely, but because I was already in high school by the time dad moved out, I did not have to suffer nearly as much as my younger sisters. The disadvantage of leaving home immediately after high school was that, by running from everything, I dealt with nothing. I hid. Finally, by age 29, I had made some progress in allowing myself to grieve, to be angry, and to look for ways to move on. One of the ways I decided to heal was by helping other children experiencing their parents’ marital breakdown. I wound up as a volunteer in the teenager’s workshop on Monday nights—listening to stories, scrambling for a clue as to what to do, and trying not to look too foolish as I made myself available to the Holy Spirit. To borrow from the quotation above, I was an adult trying to learn how to make it among the adolescents surrounding me.
As I read books, articles, and anything else on the subject of children of divorce, God began to develop my Y. I began to discover that the driving force behind a life mission is not so much “how” to go about it—but “why?” In other words, by allowing my heart to be broken over divorce’s effects on kids (i.e. the death of families), I became willing to do whatever it takes to minister to them. A word of caution: When you begin to educate yourself on an issue of injustice that tugs at your heart, and you begin to question, “Why? Why is this happening, and why isn’t something being done by more people, or by the/my Church?”—Watch out! You just may become God’s “How!” A wise friend of mine once said, “People are God’s methods.” In other words, Christ in us means hope for others (Colossians 1:27; II Corinthians 1:3-4).
I love that more and more youth, children’s, and other pastors are becoming open to the idea of offering children’s divorce recovery programs in their churches and communities. I love to provide assistance to church leaders seeking the “How” of divorce-specific ministries to teens. It can be very tempting to see a ministry opportunity, buy a curriculum, and to anxiously proceed with a new, exciting, and much-needed program to help hurting kids. That is all wonderful. But, it’s not enough. Remember, if “people are God’s methods,” we must place volunteer leaders who have an enormous Y directly in the center of things. Age, ethnicity, gender, or experience level matter little to teens. They need caring adults who carry giant-sized Y’s. As Greg Stier writes, “Somebody once told me that the only three questions that teens want to know from an adult, the three things that qualify them to work with teenagers, are, ‘Do you love Jesus? Do you love me? Are you for real?’”
When his disciples were freaking out that a storm was threatening their boat, Jesus awoke from his nap and calmed the heavy seas and winds (Mark 8: 23-27). Jesus never bothered to explain how he was able to quiet the raging water and howling wind. He did not need to. Jesus had a giant Y. He was, and is, the Son of God.
We need not fear that we lack the qualifications to lead teens in divorce recovery group ministries. (We, after all, have Jesus in our boat.) However, we had better be certain of our Y because when the difficulties of ministering to teens hit us like waves, we will not have time to focus on how to get through to them. Our Y must be bigger than anything that might try to discourage us from persevering. Just like the disciples had to remember that God’s only Son was with them, so too must we rely on Christ’s power, grace, and peace in order to impart hope and healing to teenagers caught in the middle of the storminess of their parents’ divorce.
How do you develop a big enough Y? Here are a few things to consider:
• Ask God to soften your heart regarding the issues that affect teenaged children of divorce.
• Consume as much research and reading on the subject as possible.
• Talk to teens that you know from divorce situations. Ask them questions. Listen, listen, and listen.
• Read Scriptures that deal with the topic of abandonment, widows, and orphans.
• Look for ways to volunteer in your community or church that provide groups for children of divorce. Go in with an open mind and open ears.
• If you are really daring, ask God to break your heart for these teens. He will.
If you cannot find a teen divorce group in your area, I pray that you will ask “Why not?” Perhaps you will begin a recovery ministry for teens through your church, and maybe you become how countless teenagers find hope in the midst of their stormy life. I pray God gives you a big enough Y.

© 2007 by the Author.
E-mail him at Ben@MinistryMakeovers.com