Just Like Me

I think many men struggle with what they see in themselves. So many guys either grew up without a father at all, or they grew up with the strain and struggle of not wanting to replicate certain parts of their perception of their dad. In other words, I think many boys either do not know who to be (for lack of role models), they just know who they DON'T want to be.
Apart from the arguments as to nature verus nurture, genetics versus geography---guys have to make choices based on what they have seen or experienced. When I've done certain things, said specific phrases, or reacted with instinct or emotions that surprise me---I often do not have to look far to figure out where I got them.
Recently, through retrospection and reflection, I have taken stock of who I've become, or, better, who I'm becoming.
I was recounting some things I've done to a friend of mine. I was telling her a few crazy stories from my younger days. A few of those tales I had not thought about for some time. I even surprised myself at how emotional I became as I recalled these experiences. I could not explain them--other then to say, "Well, that must be who I am, I guess."
It's been a long road for me on my spiritual journey. While I try not to segregate or compartmentalize the aspects of myself (e.g. physical, emotional, spiritual), I can acknowledge that each area has progressed at sometimes much different speeds.
Part of what's been tough for me as I reckon God has been the concept of Him as Father. Additionally, how can Jesus be my Spirit, brother, friend, and dad all at the same time? My father is my master? I have a bit of an authority issue anyway. Complexity.
I am starting to get the sense that parts of me that have been previously inexplicable can be decoded when illuminated by the light of my adoption (however slowly I've come to accept/acknowledge it) by God.
As I drove home later that night after the conversation with my friend, I was overwhelmed that perhaps what I considered oddities in my character and behavior, Christ might consider resemblance. I have a hard time admitting this at all. I want to be my own man, my own person.
I get to see kids who are having a hard time take comfort when they see that there are other children going through the same crap they are. They take solace in the notion that they have peers that are "just like me." When you start lining up the similarities, the gap between feeling misunderstood and isolated narrows so that pain is eventually lessened and experience unravelled.
What makes me different than others might, at the same time, have made, or be making, me more like someone else. Maybe someone else is seeing me and getting to know me, as I let them, and thinking, "Hey, Ben is just like me. We share some stuff, some pain, some experiences, and some traits. He often talks like me. He sort of looks like me. Sometimes, he's just like me."
That can be overwhelming to hear for a guy who's never quite liked himself much. For a guy who's taken quite a long time to accept the things he cannot change and all that serenity stuff. For a guy who can give more than most but receives very little. To hear that, to begin to feel that comfort---that's more than a little scary.
Just like me. Maybe I am getting there . . .

A new church service order?

Instead of having very distinct times for songs, then a sermon, then a closing song and prayer---could we mix it all up to help people experience God in a different, maybe more personal, way??? Do things have to be portioned so much?

For example, could a song be playing with some images (or icons) on the screen when the pastor (or whomever) reads a few Scriptures? Then, there would be time for people to meditate on those Scriptures & perhaps journal some thoughts on the back of the bulletin. At a cetain points, we could still sing corporately. A few discussion questions could come up on the sidescreens for people to either write about or talk with a few people about. Then, the pastor/facilitator could giude the discussion a little. Show a video? Another song? Take communion? More quiet time . . . I think providing space for quiet reflection should be a staple of any church service. Can we ever get too much of that in our life? Have a short role-play or drama? I do not understand the segmentation of everything every time.

I'm not advocating for disorder or to not have a certain text for the Service. I do think we can get into the text in different ways other than to hear thirty straight minutes of what someone else thinks about it. I think we can do a much better job of creating environments that allow people to hear from and experience God. We do not learn by only listening. We are changed by experiences. I honestly cannot usually remember what someone talked about last week or even--last night. I do remember the experiences I've had in church services where there was space for me to have one. We have all these gifts to wisely steward as we determine service order. Let's not settle for less than our best in helping people hear from, see, and get to know Christ. The elements of a church service should serve that end, not get in the way of it by regimenting and segmenting. Who are we to judge exactly how and when someone should experience God's presence or communicaiton?

I am so heavy-hearted with my place at Willow Creek. I can barely sit through services there. I perceive so little difference between what is supposed to be a deeper level, "believer's" service on Wednesday nights and the weekend services which have historically been 'seeker sensitive.' Now that Scripture is read, songs are particpatory, and Bibles are opened on Sunday mornings, shouldn't there be a corresponding shift occurring on the Midweek format? In other words, if the weekends are responding to felt differences in the openness of people to more traditional means of worship and study, then musn't there be strides to enhance the experience of God on Wednesdays? Shouldn't there be some corresponding reaction? How can one change and the other remain static? I have the hardest time connecting with Christ during the hour or so allotted during either day of the week. I'm listless, bored, and tired of being offered merely more good advice in the form of yet another, multi-point, too-polished, impersonal, scripted, sermon that mostly just lets me know what someone I respect thinks about the Scriptures or some aspect of faith. I know that I'm at Willow for a reason. I am scared that that reason is to help transition us from mega to meta.
We have a growing Latino congregation that we relegate to the chapel for their services. My wife had a great idea: let's give them the new, fancy auditorium. Let's serve them instead of making them sit at the back of the bus. We've accommodated them poorly in my opinion.
I cannot put into words the torn feelings I have about where I am. I serve wholeheartedly because of my strong convictions about the mission of the Church. I love the relationships God has blessed me with through the on-campus activities of which I am a part. However, I feel like that is where the connectivity ends for me. The services are super-programed. The messages are just that: messages. There is little story, little space, and little prayer. I think we do a good job with the "Apostle's teaching" part of Acts 2:42 "They devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer.
I think that bringing in Frazee will help with the "fellowship" and "the breaking of bread" activities. Maybe that's part of it: all the activities. I'm missing the focus on prayer--in my daily life and on campus. So often, this may be due to my consideration of prayer as an activity when really it involves the opposite, doesn't it? Inactivity: how do we create that? "A house of prayer."
[Isa. 56:7; Matt. 21:13] Are we calling for it? Are we setting aside enough service time and space for this most-important, vital avenue to the Throne? Are we bold enough to be quiet enough? Why can't there be corporate silence? Corporate fasting? Where's the challenges that made me stick around four years ago?
There's a lot being written about the reclamation of the missional church and the Starbuck's model of creating experiences and the many reasons why young people find themselves disillusioned with institutionalized "church."
"An Hour on Sunday," unfortunately, has inhaled too many resources and failed to be the place where people genuinely encounter the presence of God, exhaling pretense, or express questions and doubts. It's the convincing hour, the presentation hour, the show. It's a great show, but show me Jesus. I'm glad that I get to see him on Mondays helping & loving kids. I am sad that I have trouble spotting him in the auditorium on Sundays and Wednesdays. Maybe there are too many people in the way--too many people out in front, drowning out his voice with microphones and his image with spotlights. The disciples tried to prevent the little ones from approaching the Savior. No time, they said. Too busy. The show must go on. Jesus disagreed--big time. Have we hindered folks from approaching the Son of God? Is there too much interference? Shouldn't a church service be the one place where there isn't? The curtain was torn, remember? Have we sewn it back together? Tear up the script and tear at my heart. Real is always relevant, as one wise man wrote recently.
Maybe fewer multi-sites and more Jesus sightings? What place have we given him in all our grand plans, models, and programming? Is there any room for him in there? I seem to recall he's been through this "There's no room" deal before . . .
I hope it isn't happening again.
I am going to stick around to find out.

I'm trying to read and do some quiet time today. I finished reading Starving Jesus. I dare you to read it if you consider yourself a Christian, and if you are not a Christian, try reading it for entertainment value as the authors call the American Church out on the carpet.

My biggest take-away from the book is, "When confronted with an uncomfortable truth, how will I choose to respond?"

Jesus,

I want you to be my best friend & big brother. I never had one of those growing up. Until recently, I don't think I ever took the time to think about that. I think it would have been cool to have one (apart from getting beat-up sometimes!). I am an older brother, though. I often wonder what kind of brother I truly am. I think my advice could be better and more loving. I actually am trying not to give advice unless asked first. Ha-ha. That's tough to do.
Would you be my brother? I'll take all the advice I can get. I need it desperately. I know you want to hang out. That's what I really need right now. I've been looking in all the wrong places. My TV is always there for me, but it rarely has anything good to say or show me.
Would you show me something good? Something good about me?
Maybe then I can show others what is good about themselves . . . That's what you did, right?
Please forgive me for screwing up my job as a big brother. Thank you for the opportunities you've given, and give, me to try. Might I resemble you as I try, try again.
I love you, LORD.
Benny



Ben Wilcox