Just Like Me

I think many men struggle with what they see in themselves. So many guys either grew up without a father at all, or they grew up with the strain and struggle of not wanting to replicate certain parts of their perception of their dad. In other words, I think many boys either do not know who to be (for lack of role models), they just know who they DON'T want to be.
Apart from the arguments as to nature verus nurture, genetics versus geography---guys have to make choices based on what they have seen or experienced. When I've done certain things, said specific phrases, or reacted with instinct or emotions that surprise me---I often do not have to look far to figure out where I got them.
Recently, through retrospection and reflection, I have taken stock of who I've become, or, better, who I'm becoming.
I was recounting some things I've done to a friend of mine. I was telling her a few crazy stories from my younger days. A few of those tales I had not thought about for some time. I even surprised myself at how emotional I became as I recalled these experiences. I could not explain them--other then to say, "Well, that must be who I am, I guess."
It's been a long road for me on my spiritual journey. While I try not to segregate or compartmentalize the aspects of myself (e.g. physical, emotional, spiritual), I can acknowledge that each area has progressed at sometimes much different speeds.
Part of what's been tough for me as I reckon God has been the concept of Him as Father. Additionally, how can Jesus be my Spirit, brother, friend, and dad all at the same time? My father is my master? I have a bit of an authority issue anyway. Complexity.
I am starting to get the sense that parts of me that have been previously inexplicable can be decoded when illuminated by the light of my adoption (however slowly I've come to accept/acknowledge it) by God.
As I drove home later that night after the conversation with my friend, I was overwhelmed that perhaps what I considered oddities in my character and behavior, Christ might consider resemblance. I have a hard time admitting this at all. I want to be my own man, my own person.
I get to see kids who are having a hard time take comfort when they see that there are other children going through the same crap they are. They take solace in the notion that they have peers that are "just like me." When you start lining up the similarities, the gap between feeling misunderstood and isolated narrows so that pain is eventually lessened and experience unravelled.
What makes me different than others might, at the same time, have made, or be making, me more like someone else. Maybe someone else is seeing me and getting to know me, as I let them, and thinking, "Hey, Ben is just like me. We share some stuff, some pain, some experiences, and some traits. He often talks like me. He sort of looks like me. Sometimes, he's just like me."
That can be overwhelming to hear for a guy who's never quite liked himself much. For a guy who's taken quite a long time to accept the things he cannot change and all that serenity stuff. For a guy who can give more than most but receives very little. To hear that, to begin to feel that comfort---that's more than a little scary.
Just like me. Maybe I am getting there . . .

Wow. What is going on?

So, I've filled in as a substitute small group leader for middle school guys twice in the past month. You know, it's not as scary as I thought it might be. I like that they are accepting of me, and I try to let them know that it's really THEIR group: I'm just a visitor. It's an honor to be able to do this, and I've had a lot of fun both times. I hope I get more chances to sit in with these students. They are awesome, and they help to confirm my belief that there is no such thing as a "bad kid." They are all good kids--until some adult(s) screws them up.
Anyway, thanks, God, for letting me into their world a little bit. I don't know what you are doing in my life, but it's cool. A little frightening--but mostly cool.
Keep me humble, OK?
Love, Benny