Asking Better Questions

Ministering to teenaged children of divorce, Part I

By Benjamin Wilcox

"Whatever.”

“Nothing.”

“Fine.”

These are the dreaded one-word responses I had been getting from the students in Oasis:
our church’s divorce recovery group for teenagers. It is my own fault really. Ask
anything that can be answered with one word, and the average teen will give you one
word in response.
I have heard similar frustration echoed from so many volunteer leaders wondering how to
engage Middle School and High School kids in meaningful conversation. Part of the
answer is in the question itself. Ask something that cannot be answered in just one word.
Questions like,
“If you could be any superhero, who would you be and why?”
“What was the best part of your week, and what was the worst part of your week?”
“If you could be anywhere in the world right now, where would you be and who would you want there
with you?”

Secondly, when talking with teens, suspend your judgments as long as possible. Nothing
will ruin your chances of connecting with a young adult faster than rushing to a
conclusion about what they are saying and then offering advice right away. Keep quiet.
Actively listen. Ask for clarification, and then maybe ask a follow-up question. When you
start to think you know what they are getting at, ask another question!

Third, here is a sample of the common questions we tend to ask when thinking about
ministering to teens followed by a list of alternative things to consider.

“How do we keep these kids entertained?” vs. “What am I willing to do to ensure that the teens who come feel truly understood and valued as individuals?”
“How do we make sure we make it through all the curriculum each night?” vs. “Does the curriculum we use encourage the
kind of risky, open-ended questions that lead to honest revelation, or is there only one right answer to what we ask (just like a
classroom)?”
“How do we make sure our teens keep coming back and invite their friends, too?” vs. “Is the environment in which we hold our
meetings inviting, welcoming, and emotionally & physically safe?"
“How do I make these teenagers like me?” vs. “Will I trust the Holy Spirit enough to be myself and let these student know that I
take them seriously, withhold my judgments, and appreciate their reality?”

When you begin to focus on asking better questions, first of yourself, then of your
ministry approach, and finally, of your students—all the natural worries in the left-hand
column take care of themselves. Why? Because you have put you energy into creating a
safe place for hurting teenagers to let their guard down. You will become, quite possibly,
the only adult in their life who is willing to sit down with them, actively listen to them,
and “be” with them for as long as it takes for them to know that you care enough to ask
better questions—questions that convey your compassion not your condemnation & your
openness not your opinion. Another question is always better than another piece of
advice.
The only one-word answer you want from a teenager is when you ask them what part of
the week they most look forward to. I hope they say it’s the couple of hours when you
invite students recovering from divorce into a safe place they can call their own. If not,
maybe it is time to ask better questions.


© 2007 by the Author
Email him at Ben@MinistryMakeovers.com