Still or Running?

June 12, 2006

Phone interview.
Some tough questions, but I'm handling it alright.
Then,
After an hour or so--
A question:
THE question.
She got me.
I didn't see it coming.
How did she know to ask that.
Did I set myself up?
Was it that easy?
I think I might have left myself out there on the ledge . . .
You know?
Long silence.
Really long silence.
Gasping.
Grasping.
A gaping hole in time where my mind ran off with me,
But I was left holding,
On hold,
Trying to hold on to whatever composure I could come up with.
Wow.
This sucks.
Yet, it needed to be asked or said,
Didn't it?
It was only natural.
I haven't gone anywhere.
I am here.
It's leaving, slowly;
Not me.
I'm a "stay"er now, right?
I can't leave; won't leave.
Wouldn't be right.
Unthinkable.
I'm not going anywhere.
Or, have I?
But, no, I'm here.
Just hang up.
Maybe she'll say something.
Maybe I should change the subject.
No.
I need to think about this.
Any shred of truth--
Really?
O.K.
Is my voice still here?
Here we go.
Truth:
No!
I've slowed down and dealt.
Haven't I?
It's not chasing me anymore!
I won't take off.
Not now.
Not ever.
Not again.
Not me.
I am me.
I can.
I will.
Be still and know.
Right?
Still.
Yeah.
In place.
In my place.
Here.
Now.
I am still here.
I am here still.
I am still.
Me.
Imagine that.
"Running to stand still."
(Thanks, Paul.)


Ben Wilcox