go over to www.benjaminwilcox.com 

Please don't make me cry tonight!

I cried when the Cubs lost. That was five years ago. I cried (at least) twice that year. The other time was when Rampage lost (brutally) to Silva in Pride. They fought in a rematch in 2004. Silva (brutally) knocked my boy out again. I cried again.

I became a fan of Rampage partly because, due to Silva's dominance in Pride, he was the underdog. The American captivating his Japanese fans with his ferocious slams and feral fighting style. His willingness to rematch Silva despite the lopsided loss he suffered in their first match. Facing Wandy for a third time, some have wondered, What's the point?

Now, both fighters are competing for the UFC. Rampage thinks the rules, refs, and cage will help him in his quest for redemption. I hope so. Much has been written in speculation regarding Jackson's mental state after losing the light heavyweight title to Griffin, being arrested for reckless driving in California, and firing his manager/trainer. Is he prepared to face his nemesis again? Is his mind right? He looked physically fit at yesterday's weigh-in, but the schoolyard pushing and shoving and posturing that ensued between he and Silva does not answer any of these questions.

Unlike my Cubs, Rampage has won a title recently. Can he win the belt again? I think it's a safe bet that he will be a champion before the Cubs are. I really do not want to cry tonight. I skipped the baseball season this year; so, I was not too disappointed when the Cubs lost in the playoffs. I will be watching tonight's UFC pay-per-view live in the comfort of my own home. That way, no one has to see me cry in public.

Look! I'm streaking!

I love writing poetry; however, I don't practice it enough. I tend to experience spurts with poems. When I do go on a creative streak, though, it's usually a good one. I can pump out a few of them--especially when duly inspired.

For some reason, the following poem, which I wrote two years ago or so, came to my mind recently.

Scar Tissue

I have a lot of scars.
Some big, some small--
Each tells a bit of my story;
None tells it all.
The short ones may mean
More than the long;
A narrow gash a riddle--
Maybe a wide gouge a song.
The pain endured leaves a trail on the skin:
One sings of victory;
Another whispers a sin.


I keep seeing people and wondering what all is really underneath. What pain? What baggage? What dreams? What story? There may be a lot holding it back, but there it is---just beneath the surface. Scar tissue, of sorts.

Maybe it's easier not to talk about "it," whatever it is. We are the great pretenders, aren't we? Going along to get along. Making nice so that we can get through the holidays. Smile and nod, smile and nod.

However, I think this not-so-hidden junk shows up in ways we never intend. It affects our conversations, our friendships, our health.

I don't know where I am going with this, but I do hope that we all review our scars from time to time: reminding us where we've been, what we've been through, what's it made us, and who we still want to be. And, that, most of all, we allow trusted others access to our scars. To educate, to warn, to understand, to be understood.

Motivation? Having some freedom at this stage of my life has caused me to reflect on motivation--the different forms, the ups and downs that accompany self-motivation (perhaps the only kind there really is), and people's reaction to varying types of motivation.

I need to be inspired. I think many people are suffering from lack of inspiration. In my previous post, I wrote about the 'drift' that has set in regarding church services. My wife noted that what I was really missing was inspiration. Inspire me for Christ's sake!

I have to periodically expose myself to inspirational quotations, movies, pictures, and books. I realize that it's my responsibility to keep up with this (even though I love to blame other people!). I have to feed my mind the fuel to keep going.

Read this from General Patton. “Now if you are going to win any battle you have to do one thing. You have to make the mind run the body. Never let the body tell the mind what to do. The body will always give up. It is always tired morning, noon, and night. But the body is never tired if the mind is not tired. You’ve always got to make the mind take over and keep going.”

Rob Bell and the Art of Sneaking Out the Back Door

Who knows how many church services I have endured. As a preacher's kid for most of my childhood, I am sure the number is staggering. Wednesday nights, Sunday school, Sunday nights, Sunday mornings (which always cut into the Bears game), Easter "Sunrise Services" (coupled with fake eggs and stiff pancakes), New Years Eve "Watch Nights" (I have no clue what we were watching), quarterly Potluck meals in the basement with weird food made by weirder people and their leftovers, and week-long summer Bible camps with multiple meetings every day---in other words, a butt-load of time spent in strange gatherings with strange language and strangers.

When you're the pastor's son, you cannot really declare your disinterest and leave in the middle of the sermon. I am 33 now, though, and I have developed quite the knack for early departures in my old age. Lately, it's been after what people call "Worship." I have a serious case of sick-of-three-songs-a-sermon-and-an-offering-itis. A nasty syndrome. Contagious? I hope so.

My disease started a year ago or more, which is remarkable considering I took a ten year hiatus from church attendance through most of my twenties. Where did I catch it? I am tempted to say, "The Bible," but who knows?

I know I am not the only one tired of the formulaic posturing we go through on Sundays. What is the point of it? The show must go on.

Rob Bell's latest, Jesus Wants to Save Christians (A Manifesto for the Church in Exile), gets to the root of this, I think. He writes, "When the goal of a church is to get people into church services and then teach them how to invite people to come to church services, so that they in turn will bring others to more church services - that's attendance at church services" (p. 160). It's like "Feed me, Seymour!" We have cultivated a giant plant which requires food--but does nothing other than sit there with its mouth open. It devours more and more resources while distracting us from the real world. Horror, indeed.

So, I've been leaving early or not going at all. I do hang with the teenagers because you can at least be real with them. I have no idea what to do. "Church hopping" will most likely be futile and lead to greater levels of frustration. The people (some of whom are church staff) I confess my sickness to offer little hope. I know others around my same age who share at least most of my outlook. We commiserate: "Where is the connection? Where is the outward focus? What are we doing here? What's the 'big picture?'"

Bell goes on, "If our church was taken away - from our city, our neighborhood, our region - who would protest?" (p. 166). Would I? My belief in God is still bigger than my discontent, thankfully; although I am not sure that is as comforting as it should be.

My options?
1. Suck it up
2. Quit going
3. Complain to pastor
4. Start my own "thing" (scary)
5. Go Catholic (way more scary)

Maybe I have logged enough hours in a pew/church chair to last me the rest of my life. (Knew I should have kept those receipts. Dang.)

There is one last quotation from the book I am banking on. "Jesus wants to save our church from the exile of irrelevance" (p. 174). I want that. I'd be willing to be part of that effort. Where do I sign up? I loathe people that bitch and moan without being willing to pitch in. Put me in, coach. You'll find me at the back of the church---one foot out the door but really wanting to get drawn in again.

Opposed to Failure

Some encouraging stuff:

"Failure is the opportunity to begin again more intelligently." - Henry Ford

"I am never down; I am either up or getting up." - Anon.

"Failure isn't failure unless you don't learn from it." - Ronald Niednagel

Questions to ask after a failure:
What lessons have I learned?
Am I grateful for the experience?
How can I turn this into success?
Where do I go from here?
Who else has failed like this before and what can I learn from them?
How can my experience help others avoid my mistakes in the future?
Did I actually fail, or did I simply fall short of an unrealistically high standard?
Where did I succeed as well as fail?
"In the best possible environment, growth is not only allowed, but leaders model it an expect it from everyone." - John Maxwell

FEAR > INACTION > LACK OF EXPERIENCE > IGNORANCE > MORE FEAR

OR

FEAR > ACTION > EXPERIENCE > WISDOM > DECREASED FEAR & INCREASED SUCCESS!

"Success is not measured by what a man accomplishes, but by the opposition he has encountered and the courage with which he has maintained the struggle against overwhelming odds." - Lindbergh

"If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected." - Thoreau

They let you read standing up at the laundry mat, right?

These NyQuil hangovers are a real bugger. Attempting to sweat it out at Durango Martial Arts this morning was a wash. No heat yet. After a scalding shower, I plopped down at the 8th Avenue laundry with HST's Fear and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72. This book makes perfect sense to me--especially in light of our recent national popularity contest and, most importantly, without too much staring into the tumbling dryer. For any of this political mess to make some sort of sense, perhaps you have to do what I did recently: swear off TV news and stay out of the national papers as much as possible.
It's been more or less five years since my last bender. I miss beer a little, but mornings like these remind me of the hassle: trying to function without 2nd through 5th gear. Just first and reverse. Coffee helps. But, there's the sloshing through two inches of fresh snow to accomplish that. (It's not even Thanksgiving yet!)
However, there's still a little bit of a high you feel when still drunk on a Monday morning. A dirty little secret you're not trying that hard to keep. Cough medicine doesn't announce its presence as much as say, Coors or Jack even--but the giggles are never far away, are they?
Why is the print so small in this book, Hunter? Surely you didn't approve that? Ugh.
Why isn't this required reading for every registered voter every four years? And why aren't you still around, Dr.? I need you now more than ever. I know you would often write back--even to the hacks that called themselves "fans." I need the real dope--the goods--the lowdown on how to make it as a journalist. The New New New New Journalism. The Narrative. The Gonzo 2.0--come back!
Does my sobriety instantly disqualify me from ever arriving? I am left to sweat out the next four years without you. Sloshing through the muck here in Durango--woefully out of place. A sober square in hippy-land. Rejected query letters and months of angst. Yes, we can!?!?!! Obama=Bobby? Would I have even made it on the plane had I shucked out to D.C. for the scene? (I don't even own a dog--much less the requisite Doberman)
We may never be Iraq-free but at least I have NyQuil.

I am a 33-year-old Rookie

I am halfway through reading Chris Coste's ("Coast") The 33-Year-Old Rookie (How I Finally Made It To The Big Leagues After 11 Years in the Minors). I bought the book because the title deeply resonated with me. Having turned 33 in September, I feel like a rookie regarding several areas of my life.

I have not had employment for over two years now. I had dinner with friends last night and tried to explain my odd circumstances: I have income but no job. Don't get me wrong. It's truly a blessing to be free to pursue new and different things right now (see previous post), but at the same time, it takes tremendous self discipline to stay on track and feel like I am making the most of my time and energy (I would grade myself a B- so far).

In his book, Coste describes how much time and work he put into transforming himself into a better player--giving himself every chance to make it. He describes the disappointment that accompanies being sent back to the minors time after time. Of feeling like his dream of making it to the 'bigs' was possibly slipping away. The last two years have been an adventure to say the least. We've moved several states away. I have been trying to transform myself into a writer and journalist, and many times, I feel like a fumbling rookie--unsure of what to do or to whom to go for directions.

Like Coste, I have to keep putting myself out there and taking chances. Keep sending the query letters and proposing ideas. Keep sending emails to people I do not know but whose work has inspired me. Making the big "ask." (& often feeling like a big ass)

Coste does make it to the Majors on a couple of occasions. He makes the most of his time while there because he is never sure how long his "shot" will last. I must do the same. Being a rookie can suck: carrying the veterans' bags, doing the dirty work, acting as if you know what you are doing, subjecting yourself to the criticism that inevitably comes from attempting new things, etc. But, how else can I expect to improve? I believe that suffering through this rookie season will all be worth it someday. I just hope it doesn't take 11 years!

Dreams

Are you ever too old to pursue a dream? Does there come a time in life that one should simply settle down to reality?
Is hard work enough to accomplish anything, or is some inherent talent required?
Are there things about yourself that you may never know until you undertake a big enough challenge?

It seems like I have taken on a few challenges this year, and I am looking forward to my journey in the next twelve months or so. I am also somewhat frightened about what or who I'll become during all this. More than anything else, I feel excitement about the adventures in store.

ugh

Woulda, coulda, shoulda . . . but, there's always next time. I went 0 for 2 on the day. I learned a lot though, and I will try again in December.

Losing sucks.

Time on my hands

So, because I am already spending so much time working out and training in mixed martial arts, I might as well write about my experiences, right?

Expect me to post some sample writing here that will (hopefully) become part of a book. The focus of which will be what it's like for a wuss to try to transform himself into a somewhat competent MMA competitor. How hard is the training? What's it like to get choked out, punched in the head (a lot), and to try to resist the urge for 'flight' by staying in 'fight' mode?

I have already received training from some pretty cool, well known professionals, and I will include that. I plan to travel more next year and I hope to fight two to three times during 2009.

If you have ever read any of George Plimpton's participatory sports books--that's the feel I am going for. His best is probably Paper Lion which covers his experience as a "last string quarterback" for the Detroit Lions. (I will try to channel a little Hunter S. Thompson as well)

If all of this seems pretty crazy to you, now you know how I feel. Pray for me, will ya?

PWR 2008 Toronto

Go to http://www.paradisewarriorretreat.com/page_pevents_Toronto2008.html to see pictures from the event. (Look for the big, bearded guy standing in back for all the group shots)

Paradise Warrior Retreat Toronto 2008

This event was crazy fun. I had the opportunity to receive training from some legends of combat sports: kickboxing with Rob Kaman, MMA from Bas Rutten, and BJJ from Demian Maia & Matt Serra. My head is still spinning from everything I tried to learn (and from the crazy time we had out on the town last night!), but I will post more soon . . .

Couture Camp pt 2

As I made the eight-hour drive to Vegas, I thought through all the scenarios that could occur this weekend at the Xtreme Couture MMA Camp. Randy could recognize all of my fighting potential and invite me to live and train with him. Randy could simply be overwhelmed by my personality so much so that he invites me to hang out all weekend with him at his home (or tag along as he makes appearances, signs his new book, or goes out meeting people and choking them unconscious for photos). Finally, if nothing else, I figure he will want to spar with me. This is where I knock him out, feel awful, and offer not to tell anyone about it on the condition that all the above scenarios come true. Regardless of these daydreams, I am feeling pretty nervous about the weekend and wondering whether this is all too soon. I mean: I am only five months into my training. But, who knows? Maybe this weekend will be like those Fantasy Baseball Camps where everyone is super old and only a few more bratwursts away from a heart attack. I could end up being the most in-shape and skilled person at this thing! Yeah, that’s it!

In actuality, the first night of camp turned out to be none of the above. Although, there were some older guys living out the “fantasy” thing, most of the participants were in the twenty or thirty age bracket and in reasonably good shape. We worked numerous wrestling drills: single leg takedowns, double leg takedowns, and a final technique from the clinch. The best part of the night was getting to slam someone against the cage fence. The resultant springboard effect helped propel my opponent into an easier takedown (and made it seem like I knew what I was doing).

Randy was assisted by Jay Hieron who recently signed with Affliction after spending the last couple years with the now-defunct IFL. Randy was just as humble and soft-spoken as he appeared to be on TV. In fact, with the constant airliner traffic passing over the gym, it was often very difficult to hear him at all. He is a gracious host, though, and spent almost an hour after practice answering any and all questions. Tomorrow is more Randy in the morning and then jiu-jitsu black belt Robert Drysadle in the afternoon.

So, what was making me look good on Friday night: repeatedly hoisting a 300 pound guy up in the air for take downs, now makes me irritated on Saturday. My partner is short, thick, and out of shape. Furthermore, he’s as flexible as a fire hydrant. So, when we drill jiu-jitsu and wrestling on the mat, it’s ugly. He can’t secure a triangle choke. He’s very awkward in his movements. He’s huffing and puffing instantly. It sucks. However, I was in the same boat a few months ago. I simply wish I had chosen someone else to team with. The good part of the day was that Randy signed autographs and posed for pictures all through lunch. He had another engagement and left afterwards. Randy was a very patient coach, and I feel extremely fortunate to have been a part of this training seminar. A highlight of my life will be getting picked up and slammed a few times by Randy Couture.

Jay and Robert led the final day. We practiced jiu-jitsu, and our final session was grappling with the ultra-small, fingerless, MMA gloves. The experience was quite different for me. The gloves got in the way of my submission attempts, but also helped in defending my opponent’s attempts.

I drove home excited to be able to share new techniques with my school, Durango Martial Arts, and I began to think about how to implement better visualization methods in my daily life.

I am having a blast here in Las Vegas at Randy Couture's MMA Training Camp in his gym. He spent last night and this morning with us. He's such a humble guy. For all he's accomplished and has going on right now, he patiently reviewed each technique with everyone here. Also, most impressively, he spent an hour after class (late last night) answering any and all questions from the campers. I was not sure what to expect from this weekend, but I am very glad I came. I am learning a lot about MMA and even more about all the other aspects of fighting: visualization, nutrition, etc. Thanks, Randy!

For BJJ and Jiu Jitsu Uniforms and high quality Martial Arts Uniforms, shop the web's #1 martial arts retailer, KarateDepot.com. Save big with $2.95 shipping every day.

Lisa and nephews rock climbing in Estes

Kick my butt, PLEASE!

Top 5 People that I would love to take a beating from:

1. Chuck Norris

2. Debi Purcell

3. The Ultimate Warrior (circa 1990)

4. Gina Carano

5. Joe Rogan

Tweeners etc.

Part of the solution for Churches to engage Tweeners and young adults is to understand their family situations and how it affects our teaching and outreach paradigms. Over one million kids experience their parents' divorce each year. In addition, the fatherless statistics in the U.S. are staggering. Because of how many grow up without a dad---pastors and youth workers need to understand that this emerging generation is not only unfamiliar with traditional Bible stories, but also that, when hearing Jesus' parables and other teaching, younger people will often interpret them differently than older adults. Author Elizabeth Marquardt found that young adults with divorced parents, when hearing the Parable of The Prodigal Son, for example, identified much more closely with the Father character than with the Son who left. For these teens and twenty-somethings, the anxiousness and stress from waiting for someone to come back home resonated much more deeply. Teachers at all levels within the Church need to exhibit a constant and sensitive awareness towards their audience along these lines.

Besides embracing a new sensitivity and awareness when teaching from the Bible, the next step for engaging this emerging generation is to conduct outreach opportunities that create safe places for young people to process their feelings and explore their faith--without fear of judgment. We must listen, notice, and inquire while resisting the urge to condemn. Their questions must be safe with us. It is ours to be brave enough to ask tough, open-ended questions. We can validate their reality without necessarily approving of it. This a key component of compassion. People feel welcome when they feel heard and valued. By deliberately offering these opportunities, Churches will reclaim their role as places of refuge where everyone, in authentic community, can confess and confront in a truly healthy environment.

At the same time, those of us within the Church need to confess and confront our outdated paradigms because so many young adults and teens are missing out on the connections that we use to take for granted. It is our responsibility and privilege to offer hope in new ways not only from the pages of the Bible but also in the way we conduct our meetings and ministries. We have to realize that this generation resonates with Bible stories and characters differently than previously assumed, and we have to alter our presentation accordingly. We must go out of our way to offer emotional 'safe zones' for people to connect with one another--and, in part, re-create the family that is painfully missing. These are our brothers and sisters in Christ, and, for the older adults among us: these are your Spiritual children, too. We cannot abandon them nor abdicate our responsibility in caring for them. They have already faced too much of that at home and in school. Our churches must become places of real connection. Our teaching must connect with its young audience through an ever-evolving awareness and sensitivity to the issues our young people are facing. We cannot afford to take comprehension or connection for granted anymore.

Fighting Like A Girl

With all the attention female mixed martial arts has recently garnered from the prime time television debut of Gina Carano, I had the privilege of interviewing promising young talent Angela Magana. She gave me her thoughts on the current state of women’s MMA and her plans for the future.

Angela, who fights at 115 pounds with a professional MMA record of 5-1-1, turns 25 later this year, and has a bright outlook in the sport despite her troubled past. She escaped East L.A. and her heroin-addicted parents’ home by moving to Northern New Mexico to live with her grandparents. Once there, she became an accomplished Golden Gloves amateur boxer amassing over 40 fights. In Junior High and High School, Angela was the only female wrestler on the team and overcame all the prejudice that came with it. However, her drive to be the best propelled her beyond the stereotypes. Angela enjoyed destroying the bias she faced almost as much as destroying her all-male opponents. “Guys quit after I beat them.”

On May 31st, Magana refused to quit in the biggest fight of her career. In Claremore, Oklahoma, before a hostile, standing-room-only crowd, she won her co-main event match for the Freestyle Cage Fighting Women’s Championship by defeating hometown favorite, and so-called ‘first professional female MMA fighter from Oklahoma,’ Nicdali “The Nite Queen” Calanoc.

Angela rotates her training among Greg Jackson’s MMA in Albuquerque, Floyd Sword’s Team Four Corners in Farmington, NM, and Durango Martial Arts with pro fighter Chris Jones in Durango, CO. Angela has a five year old daughter, and balancing her fight preparation and personal life offers its own unique challenge. “The guys in the gym don’t realize [my responsibilities]. [My child] has to be in bed my 8p.m., and some nights we don’t even start to train jiu-jitsu until after 8p.m. The guys can leave their kids at home with the wife. Not me! I’m a single mom.” Sometimes, she simply brings her daughter to the gym, and when I asked her whether she would encourage her child to pursue MMA, Angela responded, “She does train a little bit of jiu-jitsu. She doesn’t like to tap out. I think we both have a really high tolerance for pain.”

What does Angela think about the state of female MMA? She is excited about the possibilities and, when I asked what her reaction would be to a promotion’s attempts to turn her into a sex symbol, she added, “If they want to put make-up on me and dress me up cute . . . and use that . . . I mean, what do people love? Sex and violence. I’ll use it. It opens doors. Like Gina [Carano] and American Gladiators. I’ll use it to open doors.”

Angela Magana hopes that the doors to her future in MMA will open even wider in the near future. “Someone from Cage Rage (in England) called and Herb Dean was talking about wanting me [to fight in] Guatemala.” She expects Elite XC to contact her soon, and Angela gets several phone calls per month from other promotions. She is enjoying her success so far. “Now, I don’t have to plan my life around my fights; I can plan my fights around my life.”

When I asked Angela about her ‘wish list’ of future opponents, all she did was call out the toughest fighters at her weight class: Lisa Ward, Megumi "Mega Megu" Fujii, and Yuka Tsuji. She has one other opponent she would love to fight: Jessica Aguilar—whom she has faced twice. Each fight ended controversially, and Angela wants another shot, “I would fight her for no money.”

Angela Magana has unquestionable toughness. She takes great pride in refusing to quit. After breaking her back last September, she proved her mettle to everyone by taking three fights in the six months since having her body cast removed. Angela realizes that the sport has evolved and constantly seeks to improve her skills. She said, “There are a lot of girls who think they are ‘tough,’ but they are not very technical. They are good at a lot of things but not great at anything. That doesn’t work [anymore]. You have to be great at more than one thing.” Finally, I asked her to rate her chances for success in MMA. Magana replied, “I’m going to do good [because] winning isn’t always about winning. It’s about never giving up. I don’t give up. I live my dreams.”